a flute of daydreams

resolve.

Sat, 29 Jan 2011 21:36:04 +0800

this year, i want to live a lot more like the life i desire for myself.

which is mostly, not to be caught up in any rat race, any fool’s quest or delight in any sort of victories that will end up pyrrhic.

all it takes, i think, is to not want so much of false accoutrements, and to care less about fleeting accolades.

to live a lot a lot a lot more like a poet and a pilgrim, to write more, to think more, to feel more, to meander more, to dream more, to want more of mysteries and magic and less of everything else.

but very very concretely, this year, i want to tell the story of the girl who was across the counter from me when i bought tennis balls and table tennis balls for school.

she is all the other lives i haven’t lived.

i want to write about all the other lives and in so doing, live them.

a good life.

Sun, 23 Jan 2011 20:45:00 +0800

i wish there was still a way for the little people to be happy and carefree in this world.

when i heard the song, sang live, on a sunday morning when i was exhausted and feverish, i felt tears rushing to my eyes. because i haven’t slept in days and i don’t know how far responsibility has to go.

i don’t want to be anything more than what i am, not now. and the most important thing that anyone can know about me is that i am not ambitious. i don’t want to be rich or famous or powerful. i want to have time and world to spend and spare as i wish.

but life is turning out very differently and when i ask myself, why am i here? i can’t honestly say that i know; i can’t honestly say that i’ve fought for it, or even wanted anything of where i am in the least.

at some point, everything would change, and i would feel that i have given enough of myself to take a bit of my own.

and then, i would be a wanderer, a pilgrim, a writer and live exactly as i wish.

destinations.

Sun, 16 Jan 2011 12:35:31 +0800

annapurna circuit, nepal

torres del paine, chile

kilimanjaro, tanzania

easter island, chile

flaming cliffs, mongolia

i want to travel forever!

the last goodbye.

Sun, 16 Jan 2011 00:36:12 +0800

early this week, i saw my first, my only batch of graduating students receive their results.

i was happy for them, but very sad at the same time, because i don’t know that i’ll love another bunch of students as much as i loved them.

when i was in melbourne, i remember walking on the cliffs, looking out at the twelve apostles and thinking of how much i wanted to bring a group of geography students there.

only, it wasn’t just any group of geography students but them.

aaron, would be the only one who drifts off, right to the edge of the cliff. kelvin would be reading every signboard carefully, eager for knowledge. the girls would be taking pictures, of the waves, of the kangaroos and the odd seals. i can see where each and everyone of them would be.

i remember how wistful i felt then—perhaps i should have fought harder for that one trip, ms. lin and her pure geography students.

but that’s over, most did well and i am so proud of them.

yet it’s also, the end of an era.

come june, i’ll miss everything about where i was.

every step forward contains so much of what is left behind.

how more goodbyes?

via www.eightup.co.uk kilimanjaro this december! =)

Sun, 16 Jan 2011 00:17:39 +0800

via www.eightup.co.uk kilimanjaro this december! =)

she's waiting there for you.

Sun, 09 Jan 2011 22:13:48 +0800

we’re going to africa! we will trek above the clouds on kilimanjaro, hug cheetah cubs (if mommy cheetah lets me) in the serengeti and sip beer in zanzibar!

i’ve been ridiculously excited the entire afternoon and evening, something ning found very very very curious.

but i love africa! of the thousand places i want to visit, africa is the fondest. i want to wear a panama hat, a safari suit and ride in a jeep across the plains of the serengeti with a pair of binoculars around my neck. i want to sleep in a tent under the stars with the low cries of wildlife around me. i want to scramble over rocks and make it to the 5895m summit of mount kilimanjaro. i want swing in a hammock while palms sway in the breeze in zanzibar.

unfortunately, i think it will be our most costly trip yet, in the vicinity of 10k per person >.<

fortunately, we’ve got bonuses coming in!

looking forward to making the booking in march, as soon as the bonuses are in! =)

daydreams.

Mon, 03 Jan 2011 12:21:51 +0800

A puzzle:

A box contains an unknown number of pebbles, each marked either X, Y or Z. You do not know the exact numbers of X, Y, and Zs, but you know that number of X > Z > Y. You must now sort them into groups with the following conditions:

Each group must not have more than 8 members.
Each group must contain at least 2 Ys.
Each group must contain at least 1, but not more than 3 Xs.
Each group must contain at least 1, but not more then 3 Zs.

Are there situations when it is not possible ensure that all pebbles in the box in groups that satisfy all the above conditions?

If each group must contain 2 Ys, the maximum number of groups that can be formed is Y/2.

If each group cannot contain more than 3 Xs or 3 Zs, the minimum number of groups that has to be formed is the bigger set (i.e. X) divided by 3, X/3

Therefore, if X/3 > Y/2, the pebbles cannot be grouped in a way that satisfies all conditions!

This very intriguing and random puzzle came from our staff contact time, where we were told to basically form groups according to the above conditions. Intuitively, I felt certain that there would be situations where we simply cannot group ourselves to ensure that all groups fulfil the above conditions. However, I couldn’t quite prove it there and then (and anyway it was not important to because nothing detrimental was going to happen if we didn’t quite adhere to the conditions anyway). Nevertheless, I was mulling over it for a couple of days and during our Sunday brunch, Ning and I figured it out!

What is more interesting, though, is in looking at the problem as a system level problem. If you start off with all pebbles in the box and you are merely grouping them, then as long as X/3 ≤ Y/2, the problem can be solved with all groups meeting the conditions.

However, if you change the problem such that each pebble becomes an agent capable of moving to another group, and all the pebbles are already in random piles, even when it is possible that the groupings are not achieved when X/3 ≤ Y/2.

Let’s postulate a very simple and reasonable principle each agent would work by: each agent will attempt to move as little as possible in trying to be in a group that meets the conditions.

In the worst case scenario, there are some groups of agents among other random groups where there are 6 Ys, 1X, and 1Z. These groups would satisfy the conditions, and hence none of the agents, crucially the Ys, would move. As Y dictates the maximum number of groups, if all of the groups containing Ys contain 6 Ys, the maximum number of groups is further reduced from Y/2 to Y/6. Since both X>Y and Z>Y, there will be leftover Xs and Zs. In other words, this will not be an optimal distribution of the pebbles.

How can we then ensure the optimal distribution of agents? We can then put in another operating principle in the agents to require them to move when there is another group where Y < 2 even if they are already in a group which does not fails the conditions. However, if we do not assume that each agent is omniscient of all the groupings in the system, then we need to ensure that there is communication between groups of agents.

On the other hand, we can tweak the conditions such that the limiting factors are exactly distributed i.e. Y = 2 instead of Y ≥ 2. However, this will reduce the flexibility of distribution.

What if we return to the initial conditions and ask, what do the conditions represent? In a real world, we might postulate that conditions represent some sort of baseline functioning conditions i.e. the local systems (groups) would not work if the conditions are not met. However, these may not represent the local optimal functioning conditions.

Anyway! I’m not an optimization expert but it was a very interesting experience deriving these from an innocuous staff conference instruction. If I had another life, I’ll be an academic!

this year

Sat, 01 Jan 2011 11:20:00 +0800

i resolve to:

one. exercise more frequently. two swims, one gym, and one tennis session per week.

two. be kinder to others, not only in actions, but in thoughts.

three. eat more foie gras. just because this will probably be the only resolution i achieve ^.^

happy new year!

the year of magical thinking

Wed, 29 Dec 2010 23:24:28 +0800

i had no inkling that things could start, happen and end this way.

a crazy, amazing, fascinatingly perfect start crumbled into half despair and half desperation and then quite unexpectedly, things came together in a way that can only be because there is goodness in the world.

the new responsibilities i worried about a year ago seem infinitely small now. what’s one project committee over two months when it’s now a full committee for two whole years, with the etching of my name on the wall? what’s one subject when it’s now an entire level?

have i done good work in the year gone by? i don’t know. i remember a spectacular, breathless start that unravelled quickly, with no forewarning or reason. i suppose this end was part what i would have wished, part exceeding expectations, but somewhere in the midst of it all, i hadn’t think it could have worked out.

and more than self-congratulation, the conclusion is much much more about gratitude.

to ning, for his unwavering support. when i was in deep despair, he allowed me options that would have been at great cost to himself, and yet, he always assured me that it didn’t matter as long as i was happy. if i am enjoying the luxury of being obstinate, idealistic (at this old old age), and unbendingly strong-willed, it’s only because i know that ning will support me in all the ways that matter. and no matter how silly it is to quote from a country singer many years my junior, ning is really the best thing that’s ever been mine.

to persons who shall remain unnamed though they shall never read this. i am naught more than one among many, a name in a email, but they fought on my behalf, without my asking, without my knowing, to give me what i want so very much. and i ended the year realizing that for all the wrongs, and imperfections, there is also a lot of goodness in this world. people can just be, good. and more than intelligence, more than talents, more than anything of these half-inherited half luck of the draw traits, it’s goodness in people that makes me want to press on.

and for all the many many opportunities and luxuries i have been afforded, i can’t ever feel grateful enough. may the price i exact on myself be worthy of these blessings.

there is good in the world.

i feel the words and sentences, fully formed, poetry rising.

everyone i love is happy and healthy.

and everything, everything is possible.

house-warmed

Sat, 25 Dec 2010 14:44:50 +0800

our living room is a whirlwind of presents and wrappers from the party but we’re stoked!

i’ve always been a bit of a reluctant host, especially since my friends don’t tend to come in nice big groups who know each other. so i’m very moved by the fact that half my guests came without knowing that they knew anyone else! but the best part is, most of them left knowing someone new (very much like the wedding, yay!)

so, basking in the afterglow of the housewarming, i’m looking into a wine and cheese tasting! it’s all very exciting because there’ll be a bit more planing involved (more than just catering food, sending invites and confirming attendees) and i’ll have to choose the wines, get wine charms, ensure that there are enough glasses, find the approriate cheese pairings, print tasting notes and read up on the history of the wines. very glad that when i soft-launched the idea of such a party at the housewarming, the guests were surprisingly receptive!

once the date is set, there’ll be a bit more scrambling to do!

all the other lives.

Sun, 19 Dec 2010 21:45:00 +0800

shattered lights in smoke and mirrors,

infinite worlds,

what-ifs, spill from cracks in the surface,

tension, undercurrents of choices,

i breathe,

brush past spirits of all the other lives,

i am here,

a moment,

the future halves.

is. is not.

is.

now.

i love.

Tue, 14 Dec 2010 16:41:41 +0800

poetry. magic. good people. reading. adventures. sun and sky. tea. white. swimming. the ocean. kittens. orange. home. writing. thinking. travelling.

you.

the night is young, and so are we.

Mon, 13 Dec 2010 15:47:58 +0800

it’s hard to articulate what i feel now, mostly because this has been such a long time coming.

actually. i haven’t stopped smiling since the end of the meeting and a few friends have since received elated messages with many exclamation marks.

i’m happy!!! beyond words and punctuation!!! i’m going to swim fifty laps to celebrate!

just, in the end, they came through for me. how can i explain the significance of this? they came through for me even though they were not obliged to, and when others have advised me of the impossibility of this. they came through for me because there were those who were on my side and fought on my behalf even when they did not have to.

right now, this world feels right, with good people and happy things in it.

fifty laps!

n.e. moment of the year

Mon, 13 Dec 2010 15:20:18 +0800

d: no matter what, remember that singapore is only a small island

yx: but it’s my home.

we loved every bit of kangaroo island and everywhere we’ve been :)

Sat, 04 Dec 2010 20:18:26 +0800

we loved every bit of kangaroo island and everywhere we’ve been :)

melbourne, 28.11.10

Sun, 28 Nov 2010 20:45:37 +0800

we decided that an equitable distribution of work would be me writing about the day while ning cooks us a late night meal (it’s almost midnight here and i love my husband!)

we mostly slept the day away. after landing in a cold and drizzly melbourne at six in the morning, we proceeded to my brothers’ (suprisingly) luxurious apartment to find one very neat and clean room, and the other quite inhospitable one. guess which brother i’m like? =P

ning fell asleep quite quickly while i played with xy’s very high tech weighing machine (that also tells you body fat percentage, body’s age, resting metabolism and visceral fate percentage). while i am happy to note that this machine tells me my body age is 20 (yay me!) i have entirely too much fat. need to step up on the swimming, gymming and tennis once i’m back!

after a long nap, we woke up in the afternoon and decided to take a walk to the visitor centre. the temperature was around 15 degrees celsius. yucks. on one hand, it feels a lot like fall, my favorite season (especially with people in the streets wearing scarves and boots); on the other, i was prepared for a blazing summer like how it was in darwin a year ago! luckily, i was pre-warned by my brother that the weather can be quite capricious so i brought along tights and cardigans in addition to shorts and summer tops.

we took a long walk around melbourne, noting that it reminded us of philadelphia (though with different demographics) and that yarra river was quite ugly. i think i might have enjoyed long walks here, in this weather, had i my ipod and fall soundtrack.

eventually, we found our way to the visitor centre at the corner of flinders and swanston, grabbed an armful of brochures and maps, and decided to walk along yarra river before heading back. ning commented that he found the cold fairly uncomfortable this time, despite the fact that 15 degrees really was featherweight compared to ithaca and boston. we’ve become too used to the weather in singapore!

happily, by the time we returned to our apartment, there was a sliver of sunshine and the air felt considerably warmer (so much so that i could take off one layer of clothes). we looked through the maps and brochures to get a sense of what’s out there and how we might travel for the next couple of days.

though, we’re mostly just going to wing it and see where we end up =) yay for unplanned road trips and the spirit of adventure!

changi, 27.11.10

Sun, 28 Nov 2010 20:17:00 +0800

due to an insanely long queue at check-in (where i complained incessantly to ning how the counters were under-staffed and australia had a silly immigration policy anyway), we were left with hardly any time for dinner by the time we went into the (still) sparkling new gates at t3.

i bought some sushi which were quick to buy and quick to eat while ning got some dim sum thingies which were less quickly consumed. at some point, about 25 minutes before the gate closed and ning was still eating, i decided i would feel quite miserable if i had to run in my heels so i bolted off earlier towards the gate and got ning to catch up.

nevertheless, by the time we finally got into the sky train (ning caught up), we heard the final call for us over the public announcement system. eep! 10 minutes left to gate closing! when we got off the train, we saw a group of caucasians, a singaporean family running towards the gate so we decided we’d better run too. of course i was still in the afore-stated heels, so i took them off, and ran!

and laughed as i ran.

because i was reminded of another time in new york when i was late for the last bus back to boston and i was running through the streets, lost. then, i was thinking of how comic and dramatic everything felt and also half laughing as i ran.

this time, i knew that the plane wouldn’t quite leave us behind but nevertheless found it a grand adventure.

and so! that’s how our little holiday started =)

last minute.

Sat, 27 Nov 2010 16:58:23 +0800

last night, after finally deciding on some of the things we might do around melbourne, the time came for us to make bookings for the accommodation.

so both of us trudged out from the bedroom, i opened my little spreadsheet (which was mostly empty) and i think both of us sighed.

then ning said, let’s not book anything accommodation this time. we’ll just see what’s available when we get to each place.

to which i nodded vigorously and we commented in unison that if nothing is available, we’ll just sleep in the car!

then we proceeded to give each other a hug because it’s so very cute and us to be so reckless.

anyway, our flight’s in four hours but we have yet to pack, yet to print our e-ticket (we decided that it probably isn’t necessary at all), yet to get the local currency and basically just have not done a thing!

we are getting more and more incorrigible with every trip!

all i want

Sat, 20 Nov 2010 03:25:06 +0800

i hugged every one of my closer colleagues, my friends resolutely tonight.

because, i really don’t know.

i say to them, see you next year.

but i don’t know.

and it’s a little hard, like this. i hope, i hope for what i want, but also, as i sat at the table and watched the night pass, with drinks and laughter and cheers, i know i will miss so much.

at the end of the night, i was at the bus stop, somewhere familiar and strange and i think life is exactly like that, at once familiar, at once strange.

i want to go, but i want to stay.

“i wanna stay, but i know i’ll lose myself this way”

emilygracethinks: http://www.picshag.com/show.php?f=pics/112009/...

Thu, 18 Nov 2010 14:24:23 +0800

emilygracethinks:

http://www.picshag.com/show.php?f=pics/112009/feeding-the-kittens-big.jpg

so cute!!! =)